How To Go Fuck Yourself
by Keshia Kola


May 1, 2009

MICHIGAN- Travis has heard this phrase one too many times in his 32 years of life. Once, when he stood his girlfriend up by not meeting the family when he clearly said he had no weekend plans. Then, there was the time when he snitched on one of his co-workers for arriving late, thus getting said co-worker fired. Another time, he blocked his neighbor’s car in the driveway and took his sweet time moving it, thus making her late for an all too important interview.

“Go fuck yourself!”

Baffled, he wasn’t quite sure how to go about it. He frantically searched the Internet for guidance, coming up empty. Not even Amazon.com provided a decent book selection on the topic. He felt bad and really wanted to make amends for his shitty behavior. “I’m not going to spend the next 32 years of life clueless of how to go fuck myself.

Let’s help poor Travis a few teachings of our own.

1) Jump in front of a Metro Transit bus with a ridiculous Gossip Girl Advertisement.

2) Tell your boss you fucked his 14 yr old daughter without a condom.

3) Solicit any gang member as your bitch.

4) Swag into any ghetto/ redneck watering hole with a “Crackers Run This Shit” T-shirt, (if your White) “N****s Run This Shit” (if you’re Black).

5) Stroll into any convenient 7-11, take a shit by the slurpee section and tell the manager you did it in the name of Allah, then shout ‘Jihad’ on your way out.

6) Spray paint “ I voted for Bush” on a local government official’s car.

7) Find a neighborhood pimp and slap the shit out of his bottom bitch.

8) Spray paint ‘Cheater,’ ‘Rat Bastard,’ ‘Bitch,’ ‘Whore,’ or ‘Son of Bitch’ on your own car, to spare everyone else’s valuable time …and money for that matter.

9) And if all else fails, bitch slap any neighboring police officer and tell him to ‘kiss your ass’ then, while you’re shackled in the back of the cruiser, take a piss.

If you have any other suggestions please submit!