Budget Cuts Force Schools to U-haul Students, Concerned Parents Voice Their Ire

by Keshia Kola

April 29, 2009

LOS ANGELES - With local budget cuts affecting county school districts, schools are force to organize a more creative outlet for student field trips. Principal Anthony Pike of West High School was all to eager for the trip that almost wasn’t. Every year he takes the senior class on a 5-day camping expedition. This year, everything was in play until the state rejected his transportation request to cover 3 school buses. Upset, Principal Pike had this to say, “I remember going to this campground when I was a child. I couldn’t let them down. I look forward to this damn trip every year. I’m so sick of city officials cutting every nickel and dime they can. So we had to come up with something, fucking budget cuts!”

Principal Pike ordered 3, 24’ U-haul trucks with a Mom’s attic, taking advantage of their cheap $19 rate. “ I saw that magic number drive by one Sunday afternoon and thought, hell yeah!” He wasted no time booking a reservation online. To show support, an empathetic U-haul manager threw in free bubble wrap for added comfort when Pike went to retrieve the trucks.
117 horny seniors lined up to board the U-haul trucks with much enthusiasm. When there wasn’t enough spider strap to for them to hold, students where webbed to the inside ceiling of the cabin with cargo netting normally used to secure luggage. Inspired, they made up sing alongs to pass the time spawning new classics like, “99 Seniors Webbed to the Wall,” and “On Top of a U-haul.”

Luckily the hour-long ride only sent three students to the hospital with two broken limbs, one concussion and a bloody nose. The bloody nose was only the result of Billy Cannon demanding to ride within the ropes of the cargo, knowing the height will dry out his nasal membrane. “It was awesome! I felt like spider-man for the first 15 minutes of the trip until my ass got stuck in bulb of the net,” says Billy. The Mom’s attic served to be the safest part of the truck to travel.
Parents were outraged for the safety of their children. “We didn’t sign-up for this! What the hell were they thinking?! It took me 45 minutes to tweeze biodegradable packing peanuts from my son’s ass.” Principal Pike felt a little bad, but also felt it will toughen them up in the end.

US Currency Has Lost Its Bling

Since 2007 the dollar has been in steady decline. Against the £ the dollar has fallen from a low of £1 = $1.45 to close to the £1 = $2 mark. Against the Euro the $ has also depreciated from 0.85 to the present level of 1 Euro to $1.35.From several perspectives the fall in the value of the dollar appears to be following basic economic fundamentals and whilst these imbalance continue the dollar may continue to fall.

We set a $5 bill free on the streets of London, during the lunch rush, hoping to get a “snatchy.” No luck. Minutes and hours went by with not even a peak at the lonely Lincoln. Our producer advised us to place candy around the bill. Still no takers. We asked one of the locals why the reject for US currency? She simply stated, “I don’t bend over for anything less than a $50.”

War on Cans

Members of the homeless community are outraged! Once upon a thriving economy, it was the homeless who had first dibs on cans found in the trash. Strolling along residential areas, they'd push their stolen grocery carts in search of shoes that fit, free food and recyclables to cash in. Now, with the economy heading into a recession, everyone is hauling ass to grab as many cans as possible.

Herald is a homeless man living in the mean streets of Beverly Hills. He had this to say about the battle of arms for aluminum. "These used to be our streets! Now we have to fight with rich White people to get the good cans." With companies like California Aluminum offering $1.65 per pound, Herald used to make between $75-$100/ month. Today, he's lucky if he can wrangle enough up for much needed dental work.

We interviewed some local for their comments on the growing recession. "Hey, first come first serve!"