6 Things You Should Never Say to a Lesbian

1. You're a dick
2. Should I take the weenies out of the Franco beans & weenies?
3. Is there an app for that?
4. Who is Jeremy?
5. Is it always sunny in Vagina, I mean Virginia, I mean Colorado?
6. You're a lesbian? Really? Really? Really? For reals?

Bullwash: The Bullshit Eliminator

The Bullshit Eliminator: Bullwash

Tired of hearing bullshit with your Duck a L’Orange?
Irritated for sending your poached salmon with black truffles back because it came with a side order of horseshit?
Not in the mood for a Tiger Woods press conference apology?
Wish your date respected the sensational art of STFU?


Not only does Bullwash remove harsh enzymes that produce diarrhea of the mouth, it also freshens your breath! Bullwash is medically designed to de-bullshit your date for up to 4 hours! And for overnight booty calls, try extra strength Bullwash with a time release formula.

Bullwash annihilates oral bacteria to prevent crap from seeping from the orifices of the mouth, thus killing the mouth dandruff that forms lies, horseshit and other acne of the tongue.

Bridal Magazines to Display Surgeon General Warning

Surgeon General Regina Benjamin has issued an emergency recall on all bridal magazines. Effective immediately all bridal magazines will be display the following surgeon general warning:

• May cause vomiting
• Known to cause diarrhea
• May cause headaches and loss of that last nerve
• May cause a slow and painful death
• May cause aging
• May resort in unwarranted STDs
• May cause worry and hallucinations
• Proven to alienate your single friends
• Fatalities include becoming a “WE” person
• May reduce sperm count
• High results in “Fuck you, too!” mannerisms
• Tiger Woods, Jesse James, etc.
• Divorce
• Sharing
• Reduction in sexual activity
• Vegas with the boys...yeah right!
• May clog the arteries and cause high blood pressure
• In-laws
• You still have to wake up with this person…everyday
• Inability to dress yourself
• Nagging
• Death, but not just any death because that would be too easy. This kind comes slow, painful, like a gaseline-kissed torch affecting all vital organs. The kidneys are known to go first.

by Keshia Kola

Man Finally Evolves Ahead of Woman

Since the dawn of time, the female species has ruled a step ahead on the developmental trajectory as the smarter and highly adaptable creatures among the sexes. She develops, swims, walks and talks at a far earlier stage of growth than her counterpart.

Maturing three times faster, it is the She who has always had the cerebral advantage over males, learning to achieve and accomplish goals miles ahead of the average He. “My older brothers are so stupid, it’s embarrassing! I beat them in everything. Pick a game, any game! It’s like playing with lame ass slinkies, they’re good for nothing, but fun as hell to throw down steps,” says second grader, Simone Carver.

Dr. Friedrich Fuchs von Wilhelm, a renowned professor at the Fuchenstein Institute, has conducted years of research and study into this matter. “It is to be male, not female. It’s the law. I don’t understand how over the years that men have grown into such pussies! No more boys to men, it’s more like boys to punk bitches! Mother Nature will not stand for this!”

“It doesn’t matter that they’re gay, they have a penis! Man then woman, that’s the way nature intended."

Evolution has introduced a new superhuman male, one who has outgrown, outsmarted and supersedes both the average male and female in various areas of expertise. This superhuman possess outstanding qualities in every facet of our growing society. In order to compete in today’s fast lane, Mother Nature continues to impress with this brand of species; the queer eye.

“It doesn’t matter that they’re gay, they have a penis! Man then woman, that’s the way nature intended. It’s about survival and maintaining the lead. If you don’t have a gay friend, family member or neighbor your general life span can and will suffer. The gays have more class, are more successful, have more brass, balls and brawn than some of the gutless wonders running amok in this great country of ours,” rants Dr. Friedrich.

We all develop at various stages in growth. The total brain size for females’ peaks at 11.5 years of age and 14.5 in males, but for the superhuman gay male, his peaks at an incredible age of seven! To support these findings, Dr. Friedrich administered several tests on 300 kiddies at the tender age of three. He noted how each differs in ideas, motivation and substance. His research has led him to astonishing discoveries. “Children are fascinating! It’s amazing what they can accomplish at such a young age,” says the good doctor. After a considerable amount of testing, screaming, biting, gum removal and a quick spot mop of vomit, Friedrich’s team was able to put together the following results.









The average 3yr female displays, with confidence, the following achievements:

Reading
Math, she definitely knows if you took something of hers.
Whining
Competitive attitude
Spending money
Able to order shoes on the computer
Manipulation
“Mines”
Whoring attention
Violence


Average 3yr old Male: Kyle was asked to draw a star. He tried his best.



Making a mess
Destroying property and the property of others
Pointing
Finding the cookie jar
Using head as a weapon
Developing the perfect root beer belly
Dog poo vs chocolate
Still struggles with coloring books, but is making fast improvements

Average 3 yr old Gay Male: Jeremy built and designed this himself.



Cooking
Tailoring
Fashion
Dancing/ Choreography
Media Relations
Art of War
Event Coordination
Shaving/ Waxing
Fitness
Investments
Interior Design

Obituaries

Born legally blind, Thomas Moore achieved more than the average man. After three major and highly experiemental surgeries, Moore was finally able to see the ugly in his wife and the three children he left behind. Moore, 37, died in a heinous head-on automobile collision one beautiful Sunday afternoon. He didn't see the stop sign.

Adobe Unveils New Software: Create-A-Mate

SAN JOSE, CA – Today at the 2009 NAB Show, Adobe Systems announced a new software framework for building and creating significant counterparts. Adobe Create-A-Mate will relieve the desperate and lonely that saturates this very continent. The program will offer a great alternative to all forms of dating. Developers spent immeasurable hours and gazillion dollars in “research” to produce what the Adobe general manager, Richard Garry, calls, “a technological masterpiece!” “With CAM we can now build quality relationships, families and friends. We sat down with Richard Garry to get more details on this innovative phenomenon.

PS: How did you come up with the CAM concept?
RG: My wife’s sister is a scary freak and refuses to put a damn comb to her head or soap to her ass. I’ve grown weary of her constant complaining and bitterness. Her negative energy is affecting my family. She needs to marry and move out of our doghouse. With this program, she can create the mate of her dreams and it will be none the wiser.

PS: My sister’s quite the douche bag, too. I’m intrigued. How does it work?
RG: Very simple and it’s user friendly. Simply download the software, it offers a step-by-step guide that allows you to customize your ideal ball and chain. You chose the race, eye color, height, age, religion and bust or dick size. You chose its education, IQ and occupation. If you want your mate to be a fucking genius Mexican architect, with a British accent, fluent in Japanese and good teeth, mark my word, that’s what you’ll get.

PS: Wow, so weird science! So, this mysterious companion or “stepford spouse” is created, then what? Where or how does one obtain the human equivalent?
RG: Orders are placed and fulfilled at our warehouse in China. We take pride in our designs. A microchip is implanted in the CAM’s harddrive or brain that contains all the data you designed on your MAC or PC.

PS: Interesting. Do you feel this product will reduce the divorce rate?
RG: Hell yeah! Annihilate it! One of the greatest features that come standard with the program is the remote control and GPS tracking device! No longer will you have to wait for a home cooked meal or complain about dirty gutters. Maxi pads will be picked up and delivered with a smile. If you want fucking mac n’ cheese for dinner everyday, dammit, you got it! Your mate will cherish every opportunity to kiss your ass and make you horribly happy! CAM would never slip out or creep. The GPS tracking device is design to pinpoint its every move. There’s also an Easy Button that allows you to shut it down or shut it up! But, that’s sold separately.

PS: Amazing! But, what if you get bored and want something different?
RG: Easy! That’s the beauty of the program. Just go click, click, click, click, click, click, click on your computer. You send the old CAM back and we’ll replace the old data with the new!


PS: I have to say, this sounds too good to be true. What is the retail price of this product?
RG: You can’t put a price on happiness! But, if we could, it would retail for $49,999, $79,999, with the Easy Button. And trust me, I’ve seen those fuckers in action, you’re gonna want that button!

PS: Any other products?

RG: Sure, we also have Create-A-Family and Create-A-Mate for Gays.

PS: What ever happened to your sister?
RG: She’s vacationing in Barbados with her Bourbon heir named, Juan, who only speaks French and beats the living shit out her. I like him.

Scientific Secrets Exposed: Why Women Retain So Much Useless Information

IRVINE, CA

Neurologist have finally solved an impossible riddle of basic science that has baffled the greatest researchers of our time. For centuries dating back when Nebuchachadnezzer ruled Babylon, scientists have scrutinized over the abundance of unnecessary data stored in the female brain. “We couldn’t, for the life of us, understand why women retain so much excessive information of little to no importance. Their brains are like a highly protected safe deposit box of meaningless details. Where does it go? There must be some type of hidden storage facility in the temporal lobe that we don’t know about. We feel it is our scientific, civic duty to put an end to the this before it ruins lives,” said Dr. Michael Friedlich of the Weizmann Institute.

In early May of this year, Friedlich conducted a MRI on the brain of 53-year-old Beth Hampton and couldn’t believe what he found. “I’ve been doing this for over 25 years and never have I seen anything like it. I always thought my wife was superwoman. I would say we had waffles last Sunday and she would correct me, ‘no honey we had them two Sundays ago. You wore that blue shirt and khaki shorts. There were three clouds in the sky, you had thirty dollars in your pocket and you got a parking ticket that day. Sometimes I would say we had chicken for dinner, although we had meatloaf just to get a rise out her. But, Hampton’s case is fare more complex. She can recall events, with intricate detail, that happened even before her initial conception. It’s immorally outrageous to witness as she recalls events. It’s like watching software upload information. You can literally see the data floating from one folder to the other! I can’t imagine being married to such a woman!”

The female brain has six memory regions, the geographical, educational, fashion, coitus, important stuff and WTF.

The Geographical memory region stores the best places to shop, eat, drink, buy shoes and find men. Its primary function is to retain directions to places of great importance like the hair salon or the address of the guy with the big penis.

The Educational memory region stores stuff learned in school, magazines, books, beauty shops and the word on the street or gossip.

The Fashion memory region stores all things related to fashion like the top fashion designers’, weave color to match hair, new and old trends, designer labels and things people wore in the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s.

The Coitus memory region stores all sexual conquests, first kisses, blowjobs and lesbianism.

The Important memory region stores birthdays, anniversaries, past employment, telephone numbers and other important dates of interest.

The WTF memory region stores all other worthless information of unimportance like current and past due bills, one-night-stands, barsexual conquests, bad decisions and other bad memories.

To further explain Freidlich’s research, below are the results for the memory analysis of Hampton’s brain compared to that of a normal male’s brain.