Aug 3, 2011

We Really Are Lazy Fucks Who Only Work 30 Mins A Day

Typically speaking the work day consists of 8-9 hours of blah, blah, blah. You fucking know what it consists of, you signed up for the this mental anguish. Well today you lazy bastards I have good news. Although it seems like an eternity, turns out we only work 30 mins in a day! Check this out:

(Click Image to Enlarge)



So when you get that numbing taste of, ‘Not this shit again,’ sprinkled with last night’s tequila fiasco, here’s some lemon flavored hope to gargle on. Yeesssss, I know it will still taste like shit, but now it’s lemon flavored shit! So give your special special spleepy time toy an extra hug, because you deserve only the fluffiest of fluffy sheeps to count for the whole thirty minutes you’re going to actually work tomorrow. I threw the extra ’S’ in sheeps, because we’re not talking about just any sheep, these are super SheepS. AND because you deserve only the finest superest fluffiest of fluffy sheeps to count for that lazy ass mess you call full time exempt.




Enjoy!

Who Run The World: Penises

Just as Galileo paved the way for modern science, Brett Farve has paved the way for modern penises everywhere! This is the moment I’ve been waiting for since I got kicked out of preschool for making the little boys show their weenuses in exchange for chocolate milk and sweet cakes. Not a bad deal, eh?




Long gone are the days when you had to freeze frame the VCR just to see the shadow of the shadow of the shadow of a penis. Nowadays, you can’t open the world wide web without a Weiner slapping you in the face. Thanks Farve! Not only has ‘notorious peenophile’ been updated to your wiki page, but you have generously bestowed a new platform of communication for Krull the warrior king! And why is it that the male tickle lizard brings out the worst in scandals than your typical nip slips?



Do we blame Lorena Bobbit? I mean, after she humiliated that poor schlong, penises everywhere hit the panic button and ran to the nearest underground bunker to hide out. You didn’t see another wanker for years until that woman was tarred and stoned for her blasphemy!



Now thanks to entertainments like; Spartacus: Blood & Sand, Spartacus: Gods of the Arena, Calgula, Hangover I & II, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Bruno and Wild Things, dingle-dangles can stand soft, hard, shy or proud. So slap a cape on your Captain love commander boys, this is its moment to shine! Iz haz sweet cakes!

May 13, 2011

Pole Dancing to Replace Pole Vaulting

It’s Official! The National Olympic Committee announced plans to replace the 150 year old sport citing, unless those assholes can hammer throw themselves over a crossbar in hooker heels, they no longer have an interest in the track and field sport.




Committee board member, Dudley Houston agreed, “I don’t remember there being a pole at the last supper, but hey if it’s ok with JC, then it’s okay with us!”



Pole dancing has evolved and has become a well loved national sport. Now, Pole Dancing for Jesus classes are being offered. Soon pole dancing for tykes! Why not share this wonderful experience with the world!? The 6 metres club will now be known as the 6 inch metres club!