Adobe Unveils New Software: Create-A-Mate

SAN JOSE, CA – Today at the 2009 NAB Show, Adobe Systems announced a new software framework for building and creating significant counterparts. Adobe Create-A-Mate will relieve the desperate and lonely that saturates this very continent. The program will offer a great alternative to all forms of dating. Developers spent immeasurable hours and gazillion dollars in “research” to produce what the Adobe general manager, Richard Garry, calls, “a technological masterpiece!” “With CAM we can now build quality relationships, families and friends. We sat down with Richard Garry to get more details on this innovative phenomenon.

PS: How did you come up with the CAM concept?
RG: My wife’s sister is a scary freak and refuses to put a damn comb to her head or soap to her ass. I’ve grown weary of her constant complaining and bitterness. Her negative energy is affecting my family. She needs to marry and move out of our doghouse. With this program, she can create the mate of her dreams and it will be none the wiser.

PS: My sister’s quite the douche bag, too. I’m intrigued. How does it work?
RG: Very simple and it’s user friendly. Simply download the software, it offers a step-by-step guide that allows you to customize your ideal ball and chain. You chose the race, eye color, height, age, religion and bust or dick size. You chose its education, IQ and occupation. If you want your mate to be a fucking genius Mexican architect, with a British accent, fluent in Japanese and good teeth, mark my word, that’s what you’ll get.

PS: Wow, so weird science! So, this mysterious companion or “stepford spouse” is created, then what? Where or how does one obtain the human equivalent?
RG: Orders are placed and fulfilled at our warehouse in China. We take pride in our designs. A microchip is implanted in the CAM’s harddrive or brain that contains all the data you designed on your MAC or PC.

PS: Interesting. Do you feel this product will reduce the divorce rate?
RG: Hell yeah! Annihilate it! One of the greatest features that come standard with the program is the remote control and GPS tracking device! No longer will you have to wait for a home cooked meal or complain about dirty gutters. Maxi pads will be picked up and delivered with a smile. If you want fucking mac n’ cheese for dinner everyday, dammit, you got it! Your mate will cherish every opportunity to kiss your ass and make you horribly happy! CAM would never slip out or creep. The GPS tracking device is design to pinpoint its every move. There’s also an Easy Button that allows you to shut it down or shut it up! But, that’s sold separately.

PS: Amazing! But, what if you get bored and want something different?
RG: Easy! That’s the beauty of the program. Just go click, click, click, click, click, click, click on your computer. You send the old CAM back and we’ll replace the old data with the new!


PS: I have to say, this sounds too good to be true. What is the retail price of this product?
RG: You can’t put a price on happiness! But, if we could, it would retail for $49,999, $79,999, with the Easy Button. And trust me, I’ve seen those fuckers in action, you’re gonna want that button!

PS: Any other products?

RG: Sure, we also have Create-A-Family and Create-A-Mate for Gays.

PS: What ever happened to your sister?
RG: She’s vacationing in Barbados with her Bourbon heir named, Juan, who only speaks French and beats the living shit out her. I like him.

Scientific Secrets Exposed: Why Women Retain So Much Useless Information

IRVINE, CA

Neurologist have finally solved an impossible riddle of basic science that has baffled the greatest researchers of our time. For centuries dating back when Nebuchachadnezzer ruled Babylon, scientists have scrutinized over the abundance of unnecessary data stored in the female brain. “We couldn’t, for the life of us, understand why women retain so much excessive information of little to no importance. Their brains are like a highly protected safe deposit box of meaningless details. Where does it go? There must be some type of hidden storage facility in the temporal lobe that we don’t know about. We feel it is our scientific, civic duty to put an end to the this before it ruins lives,” said Dr. Michael Friedlich of the Weizmann Institute.

In early May of this year, Friedlich conducted a MRI on the brain of 53-year-old Beth Hampton and couldn’t believe what he found. “I’ve been doing this for over 25 years and never have I seen anything like it. I always thought my wife was superwoman. I would say we had waffles last Sunday and she would correct me, ‘no honey we had them two Sundays ago. You wore that blue shirt and khaki shorts. There were three clouds in the sky, you had thirty dollars in your pocket and you got a parking ticket that day. Sometimes I would say we had chicken for dinner, although we had meatloaf just to get a rise out her. But, Hampton’s case is fare more complex. She can recall events, with intricate detail, that happened even before her initial conception. It’s immorally outrageous to witness as she recalls events. It’s like watching software upload information. You can literally see the data floating from one folder to the other! I can’t imagine being married to such a woman!”

The female brain has six memory regions, the geographical, educational, fashion, coitus, important stuff and WTF.

The Geographical memory region stores the best places to shop, eat, drink, buy shoes and find men. Its primary function is to retain directions to places of great importance like the hair salon or the address of the guy with the big penis.

The Educational memory region stores stuff learned in school, magazines, books, beauty shops and the word on the street or gossip.

The Fashion memory region stores all things related to fashion like the top fashion designers’, weave color to match hair, new and old trends, designer labels and things people wore in the 60’s, 70’s and 80’s.

The Coitus memory region stores all sexual conquests, first kisses, blowjobs and lesbianism.

The Important memory region stores birthdays, anniversaries, past employment, telephone numbers and other important dates of interest.

The WTF memory region stores all other worthless information of unimportance like current and past due bills, one-night-stands, barsexual conquests, bad decisions and other bad memories.

To further explain Freidlich’s research, below are the results for the memory analysis of Hampton’s brain compared to that of a normal male’s brain.

How To Go Fuck Yourself
by Keshia Kola


May 1, 2009

MICHIGAN- Travis has heard this phrase one too many times in his 32 years of life. Once, when he stood his girlfriend up by not meeting the family when he clearly said he had no weekend plans. Then, there was the time when he snitched on one of his co-workers for arriving late, thus getting said co-worker fired. Another time, he blocked his neighbor’s car in the driveway and took his sweet time moving it, thus making her late for an all too important interview.

“Go fuck yourself!”

Baffled, he wasn’t quite sure how to go about it. He frantically searched the Internet for guidance, coming up empty. Not even Amazon.com provided a decent book selection on the topic. He felt bad and really wanted to make amends for his shitty behavior. “I’m not going to spend the next 32 years of life clueless of how to go fuck myself.

Let’s help poor Travis a few teachings of our own.

1) Jump in front of a Metro Transit bus with a ridiculous Gossip Girl Advertisement.

2) Tell your boss you fucked his 14 yr old daughter without a condom.

3) Solicit any gang member as your bitch.

4) Swag into any ghetto/ redneck watering hole with a “Crackers Run This Shit” T-shirt, (if your White) “N****s Run This Shit” (if you’re Black).

5) Stroll into any convenient 7-11, take a shit by the slurpee section and tell the manager you did it in the name of Allah, then shout ‘Jihad’ on your way out.

6) Spray paint “ I voted for Bush” on a local government official’s car.

7) Find a neighborhood pimp and slap the shit out of his bottom bitch.

8) Spray paint ‘Cheater,’ ‘Rat Bastard,’ ‘Bitch,’ ‘Whore,’ or ‘Son of Bitch’ on your own car, to spare everyone else’s valuable time …and money for that matter.

9) And if all else fails, bitch slap any neighboring police officer and tell him to ‘kiss your ass’ then, while you’re shackled in the back of the cruiser, take a piss.

If you have any other suggestions please submit!

Budget Cuts Force Schools to U-haul Students, Concerned Parents Voice Their Ire

by Keshia Kola

April 29, 2009

LOS ANGELES - With local budget cuts affecting county school districts, schools are force to organize a more creative outlet for student field trips. Principal Anthony Pike of West High School was all to eager for the trip that almost wasn’t. Every year he takes the senior class on a 5-day camping expedition. This year, everything was in play until the state rejected his transportation request to cover 3 school buses. Upset, Principal Pike had this to say, “I remember going to this campground when I was a child. I couldn’t let them down. I look forward to this damn trip every year. I’m so sick of city officials cutting every nickel and dime they can. So we had to come up with something, fucking budget cuts!”

Principal Pike ordered 3, 24’ U-haul trucks with a Mom’s attic, taking advantage of their cheap $19 rate. “ I saw that magic number drive by one Sunday afternoon and thought, hell yeah!” He wasted no time booking a reservation online. To show support, an empathetic U-haul manager threw in free bubble wrap for added comfort when Pike went to retrieve the trucks.
117 horny seniors lined up to board the U-haul trucks with much enthusiasm. When there wasn’t enough spider strap to for them to hold, students where webbed to the inside ceiling of the cabin with cargo netting normally used to secure luggage. Inspired, they made up sing alongs to pass the time spawning new classics like, “99 Seniors Webbed to the Wall,” and “On Top of a U-haul.”

Luckily the hour-long ride only sent three students to the hospital with two broken limbs, one concussion and a bloody nose. The bloody nose was only the result of Billy Cannon demanding to ride within the ropes of the cargo, knowing the height will dry out his nasal membrane. “It was awesome! I felt like spider-man for the first 15 minutes of the trip until my ass got stuck in bulb of the net,” says Billy. The Mom’s attic served to be the safest part of the truck to travel.
Parents were outraged for the safety of their children. “We didn’t sign-up for this! What the hell were they thinking?! It took me 45 minutes to tweeze biodegradable packing peanuts from my son’s ass.” Principal Pike felt a little bad, but also felt it will toughen them up in the end.