Adobe Unveils New Software: Create-A-Mate

SAN JOSE, CA – Today at the 2009 NAB Show, Adobe Systems announced a new software framework for building and creating significant counterparts. Adobe Create-A-Mate will relieve the desperate and lonely that saturates this very continent. The program will offer a great alternative to all forms of dating. Developers spent immeasurable hours and gazillion dollars in “research” to produce what the Adobe general manager, Richard Garry, calls, “a technological masterpiece!” “With CAM we can now build quality relationships, families and friends. We sat down with Richard Garry to get more details on this innovative phenomenon.

PS: How did you come up with the CAM concept?
RG: My wife’s sister is a scary freak and refuses to put a damn comb to her head or soap to her ass. I’ve grown weary of her constant complaining and bitterness. Her negative energy is affecting my family. She needs to marry and move out of our doghouse. With this program, she can create the mate of her dreams and it will be none the wiser.

PS: My sister’s quite the douche bag, too. I’m intrigued. How does it work?
RG: Very simple and it’s user friendly. Simply download the software, it offers a step-by-step guide that allows you to customize your ideal ball and chain. You chose the race, eye color, height, age, religion and bust or dick size. You chose its education, IQ and occupation. If you want your mate to be a fucking genius Mexican architect, with a British accent, fluent in Japanese and good teeth, mark my word, that’s what you’ll get.

PS: Wow, so weird science! So, this mysterious companion or “stepford spouse” is created, then what? Where or how does one obtain the human equivalent?
RG: Orders are placed and fulfilled at our warehouse in China. We take pride in our designs. A microchip is implanted in the CAM’s harddrive or brain that contains all the data you designed on your MAC or PC.

PS: Interesting. Do you feel this product will reduce the divorce rate?
RG: Hell yeah! Annihilate it! One of the greatest features that come standard with the program is the remote control and GPS tracking device! No longer will you have to wait for a home cooked meal or complain about dirty gutters. Maxi pads will be picked up and delivered with a smile. If you want fucking mac n’ cheese for dinner everyday, dammit, you got it! Your mate will cherish every opportunity to kiss your ass and make you horribly happy! CAM would never slip out or creep. The GPS tracking device is design to pinpoint its every move. There’s also an Easy Button that allows you to shut it down or shut it up! But, that’s sold separately.

PS: Amazing! But, what if you get bored and want something different?
RG: Easy! That’s the beauty of the program. Just go click, click, click, click, click, click, click on your computer. You send the old CAM back and we’ll replace the old data with the new!


PS: I have to say, this sounds too good to be true. What is the retail price of this product?
RG: You can’t put a price on happiness! But, if we could, it would retail for $49,999, $79,999, with the Easy Button. And trust me, I’ve seen those fuckers in action, you’re gonna want that button!

PS: Any other products?

RG: Sure, we also have Create-A-Family and Create-A-Mate for Gays.

PS: What ever happened to your sister?
RG: She’s vacationing in Barbados with her Bourbon heir named, Juan, who only speaks French and beats the living shit out her. I like him.