Aug 3, 2011

We Really Are Lazy Fucks Who Only Work 30 Mins A Day

Typically speaking the work day consists of 8-9 hours of blah, blah, blah. You fucking know what it consists of, you signed up for the this mental anguish. Well today you lazy bastards I have good news. Although it seems like an eternity, turns out we only work 30 mins in a day! Check this out:

(Click Image to Enlarge)

So when you get that numbing taste of, ‘Not this shit again,’ sprinkled with last night’s tequila fiasco, here’s some lemon flavored hope to gargle on. Yeesssss, I know it will still taste like shit, but now it’s lemon flavored shit! So give your special special spleepy time toy an extra hug, because you deserve only the fluffiest of fluffy sheeps to count for the whole thirty minutes you’re going to actually work tomorrow. I threw the extra ’S’ in sheeps, because we’re not talking about just any sheep, these are super SheepS. AND because you deserve only the finest superest fluffiest of fluffy sheeps to count for that lazy ass mess you call full time exempt.


Who Run The World: Penises

Just as Galileo paved the way for modern science, Brett Farve has paved the way for modern penises everywhere! This is the moment I’ve been waiting for since I got kicked out of preschool for making the little boys show their weenuses in exchange for chocolate milk and sweet cakes. Not a bad deal, eh?

Long gone are the days when you had to freeze frame the VCR just to see the shadow of the shadow of the shadow of a penis. Nowadays, you can’t open the world wide web without a Weiner slapping you in the face. Thanks Farve! Not only has ‘notorious peenophile’ been updated to your wiki page, but you have generously bestowed a new platform of communication for Krull the warrior king! And why is it that the male tickle lizard brings out the worst in scandals than your typical nip slips?

Do we blame Lorena Bobbit? I mean, after she humiliated that poor schlong, penises everywhere hit the panic button and ran to the nearest underground bunker to hide out. You didn’t see another wanker for years until that woman was tarred and stoned for her blasphemy!

Now thanks to entertainments like; Spartacus: Blood & Sand, Spartacus: Gods of the Arena, Calgula, Hangover I & II, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Bruno and Wild Things, dingle-dangles can stand soft, hard, shy or proud. So slap a cape on your Captain love commander boys, this is its moment to shine! Iz haz sweet cakes!

May 13, 2011

Pole Dancing to Replace Pole Vaulting

It’s Official! The National Olympic Committee announced plans to replace the 150 year old sport citing, unless those assholes can hammer throw themselves over a crossbar in hooker heels, they no longer have an interest in the track and field sport.

Committee board member, Dudley Houston agreed, “I don’t remember there being a pole at the last supper, but hey if it’s ok with JC, then it’s okay with us!”

Pole dancing has evolved and has become a well loved national sport. Now, Pole Dancing for Jesus classes are being offered. Soon pole dancing for tykes! Why not share this wonderful experience with the world!? The 6 metres club will now be known as the 6 inch metres club!

Aug 18, 2010

Puerile Score Premieres 'It's Complicated' Card Collection

Today we launched a new line of greeting cards entitled, 'It's Complicated'. In an effort to supply public demands, Pueriles Score now offers words of encouragement for the friend or family member with 'mixed feelings'. This is for those poor, confused souls who want to express a hint of sentiment without feeling like a dick, because the rest of the world my care, but you have your personal reasons for not giving a fuck.

Now you have a chance to say what it is you've been holding onto, but just didn't have the balls to express it. Perhaps the timing was all wrong. Maybe, the right opportunity presented itself and the lines you rehearsed, escaped you. We understands that offering condolences to an asshole is a difficult feat to face. Don't worry, you are no longer alone. The world is full of wonderful creatures like you. We know you have a good heart. You're just a little upset over that dipshit who ruined some part of your life and is still alive because the Lord failed to duct tape their mouth, put them in the front seat of a semi and set it on fire. So now your stuck celebrating another birthday with this pissant.

Puerile Score is setting a new standard in communicating mixed feelings. Here is sample of our new line:

Jul 21, 2010

This Just In:

Secret Service and Homeland Security had to shut down the White House in an effort to locate the President's missing pack of Kool 100 lights. "Where's my smokes!?!" was all they heard screeching from the oval office.
Since this last post, we have just been given the 20 on the smokes.
The Kools were safely tucked away in the freezer.

Jul 1, 2010

My Social Network Facebook Movie Poster Meme

As an ode to the upcoming movie, The Social Network, I wanted to get a feel for my very own movie poster.
I don't think anyone would disagree that mine is better.

Jun 23, 2010

Google: Honesty is Our Policy

We love Google for many reasons; finding a great restaurant, getting directions to the new neighborhood brothel, background checks on a potential mate, etc. One of the great features of Google, that I’m always excited about, if I misspell a word Google doesn’t hesitate to correct me.

Google is like a best friend who gives it to you straight. No bullshit. How could you not love a friend like that? Just the other day, I consulted my human friend as to which suit I should wear to an interview. She wasn’t much help at all. At which point, I had to turn to Google for answers.

Google provided an endless list of how to dress for success, not to mention a bevy of articles on how to interview like a pro! Being a woman of color, I have to stand out. First impressions are everything!

Well, I didn’t get the job. I tried following up with previous employers and staffing agents for help to no avail. So like always, I turn to Google for answers in hopes that it will provide this Arizona native some insight. And as always Google keeps it real.